I recently started watching the popular Netflix series Call
the Midwife. I am new to binge watching but must admit I now get it and I’m
thankful to have something to fill the empty evenings without my late hubby.
For the most part I quickly forget most of the episodes I watch. I’ve always
been one of those people who can’t remember watching a movie or anything about
it. My hubby Lawrence and I had many lighthearted disagreements when he would
try to tell me that we had seen a movie already and I was very adamant that I
had never watched it. That is until just about half way through when I would
realize it actually did seem very familiar and finally have to admit that just
maybe I had seen it before. Lawrence would laugh every time and say I tried to
tell you.
But once in awhile some movie or television episode I watch
does make a lasting impression and that is just what happened with a recent episode
of Call the Midwife. I’m always amazed at how God speaks to us through every
day ordinary life often when we least expect it. Never before have I
experienced this more than walking through the profound grief and heartache of
losing my husband. I’m so grateful that He doesn’t require us to get all dressed up spiritually to meet with Him but He
comes to us no matter how deep our pit of despair.
In this particular episode Jenny is going away to mourn the
loss of her boyfriend Alec after he dies from the result of an accidental fall
off a ladder. It was hard to watch as the memories and feelings of Lawrence’s
death were stirred. It seems that I have seen more death scenes in the past 15
months than in my lifetime but more likely it is because of the impact they
have on me. I grieved with her as she tried to make sense of something that the
human mind can’t fully embrace. Accept death yes, understand it, no. Jenny had
made the decision to leave Nonnatus House to mourn. Oh how many
times have I thought if I could only go away. Sadly the pain and sorrow would
go with me and I would find it there as I unpacked. You can’t run away from grief; you can only
walk through it.
As the other midwives, sisters and friends were all
assembled to bid Jenny a tearful goodbye, Mrs. Rubin reached out to Jenny with
these words. “You will feel better than this. Not just now, but you will. Just
keep living until you are alive again.” Wow. I felt like God was right there
filing the void with comfort and hope, speaking words I needed to hear.
Luke 21:19 puts it
this way, By your endurance you will gain your lives.
If you are going to live again this is your
only choice, to live even when you don’t feel alive. We take one step at a time,
holding God’s hand so tight that it melts into his and we can feel His strength
giving us the ability to keep going forward without falling down. And then one
day, for a short moment there is a sign of life. Maybe it comes as laughter
that has not surfaced for a very long time or maybe just a simple smile. As we
continue to move forward the moments turn into hours and give us hope that someday we might
feel alive for a whole day. In the meantime we keep living, and living, and
living because we know that God promises us life.
John 16:20 says, "Truly, truly, I say to you, that you
will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; you will grieve, but your
grief will be turned into joy.
We
will be alive again.
The play "As You Like It" has
a famous line that says, all the world is a stage. Some times that is just how
I feel and to be honest on those days I am gripped with "stage
fright." The thought of facing the world's stage without my husband is a
very scary thought. I want to say, God I can't go out there alone but then He
reminds me, I'll never be alone. He will always be near. I want to say, God I'm
afraid but He reminds me that He did not give me a spirit of fear but of power
and love and a sound mind and if fear is not from Him I don't want it. I want
to say, God I can't do this but He reminds me I can do all things through
Christ who gives me strength. My husband used to say, Sherry, you can do
anything you put your mind to. Surely he didn't mean THIS... but surely he did.
